2007

I got high the other night and felt the urge to start writing about this past year. I sat down at the keyboard, and about an hour and a half later I found myself with this beast. I haven't read it since then, but it's basically a summary of myself in the last year. Be prepared for a long and probably tiresome read.

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2007 is probably the first year of my life that felt in itself like a full year. Most years or time periods in my life start at different points in the year, such as the beginning of school, or the start of a summer. 2007 began with a huge change in my life, moving away from home (to the other side of the country [where the winters are cold]). Because this insane change happened at the very beginning of the year, I feel like I have a better idea of where this complete year started, and obviously where it ended.

Moving to Philly was a feat so enormous for me, that it hasn't even been fully enough time for me to see it in perspective. The absolute biggest change was being financially independent. The way the value of a dollar changes you effects your entire outlook on everything. I wasn't even close to being properly prepared, and the constant worrying about money had an impact on every thought and emotion. Not that it was entirely bad, often the new value that my money had was a positive feeling.

Philly also threw me into an entirely new and exciting social atmosphere. Previously I had realized that my I reached my peek social personality in 11th grade of high school, and had been in a state of introversion ever since. It became hard for me to meet people, and sometimes even interact with the people I already knew. It's easy to blame yourself for changes like this, but I'm sure its part of my environment. Not going to a four year college really stunted the growth of my personality, and the social climates I was experiencing were dull, irrelevant, and slightly intimidating to me. I finally got the change I wanted by moving to Philly. I was suddenly in an environment of lots of new people who knew nothing about me, but were inclined to seek my friendship. I'll never forget the overwhelming feeling of new friendship, and craving these new social interactions. It was intoxicating, but didn't last for very long. I got a taste of what I was missing and took the new experiences with the old ideologies. The feeling of control over what I want and being happy with it.

But that sounds like less of a generalization than it should. The main way of dividing the time periods I spent in Philly are by crushes. So begins the first part of my stay, from early January, to about mid March, in which I had a crush on every girl. Literally, every girl I came in contact with, I wanted everything with. Such a broad scope is clearly a terrible idea, but to me the thrill was worth not narrowing my options. Not much was achieved, because of my adherence to the goal, but it was still an interesting time. I learned a lot about my self and how I would handle such new situations.

Just about the time that I started to get over the girls I already knew, I met the perfect girl to replace them. In early March I started working a second job at a local cafe. On Mondays and Fridays I worked with a girl who I fell for almost immediately. She was three years older than me, but only showed it in her subtle aura of maturity. She looked and acted young, and got me in all the places that other girls had failed. Most importantly, I met her independently, so any development of our relationship would be extremely personal, and not through the mutualness of a friend. She was cute and short, towards the upper-part of my attractiveness threshold, and a totally sweetheart. There was good and steady progress through most of the month, we started to hang and I met some of her friends. Things first started to go downhill when I felt for San Diego for a week in early April. As soon as I got back she went on a vacation, and it was a good two weeks of not being able to hang. After that, it was only another week before we both got laid off, and pretty much never saw each other.

At this point I rediscovered about myself how quickly I become attached to people. I can honestly say I felt more about this girl than I had about any other in a good two years or so. The newness and independence of the situation made it good, tasting new elements of life. I got the feeling that future relationships might not always blossom from mutual friendships, an new and exciting idea to me. I was also glad that I was finally not compromising, and staying true to my desire for someone with a compatible personality, and not just settling for attractiveness.

I went into that situation with a real carpe diem attitude. I realized that this girl was probably out of my league, but win or lose, no regrets. I stuck to that a while after we stopped talking, but heartache eventually sank in. The worst part was thinking of the good moments, and wondering how things went wrong. As if they could have gone right.

The third phase was around late April, towards the end of my stay. After my unsuccessful aggressions, I figured it was best to stay in a more passive mood. The last one in a way brought herself to me. I met the last girl I was interested in at a party, and it was exciting to see the familiar signs of mutual wanting, rather than having to guess at the obvious. I was interested in this girl previously, but as always you no longer want what you can have. We had a somewhat awkward push-and-pull relationship until I left, partially because of ourselves, and partially because of external forces. Its interesting to think about how things could have turned out if I'd stayed, I generally have a tendency to inversely self-bias.

A huge positive in the move to Philly was the way it shook up my life. I learned that change is good for me, and unfortunately I didn't come across much once I settled in. Six months later and I finally realize I never took the time to decorate my walls with the posters and flag I brought. My weeks became more and more routine, more rinse and repeat, the longer I stayed. The early days I would spend hanging out until weird hours, doing anything to get out of the house. Slowly I started to become routinized, repeating the same days over and over: work, sleep, practice, computer.

My favorite days were the most sporadic. I would approach each dreadful week towards the end with the same lofty goal: do something out of the ordinary. I never did. Each day off would be spent sleeping in, and writing off the day as being too late to accomplish anything. Towards the end Kelly began to drag me out of the house for bi-weekly hangouts in Rittenhouse. After one of these hang outs, I figured I could go home and play Warcraft for three hours until it was time to eat again, or I could do something sporadic. I then decided it would be a good idea to just ride, until I didn't feel like riding anymore. I took Walnut street to the 30th street bridge, and rode north along the Schuylkill river up until Manayunk. It was extremely impulsive but also extremely enjoyable. I listened to Midnite Vultures and thought about a lot of shit. And most importantly got to see a side of the area I never would have seen otherwise. To me it represents the control over the time I had there, and how I could have explored more if I had wanted to. It also reminds me that I wish I explored more in general, there was something that felt good about going somewhere besides where I spend 95% of my time.

By the end of my stay in Philly (early June), I was dieing to go home. I definitely was homesick. Homesick for family, homesick for weather, homesick for friends, homesick for lifestyle. I also had a toothache that made my last few weeks in Philly a nightmare. I stopped sleeping any earlier than six A.M., because of the pain, and my addiction to music and the web. Besides that, I had the anxiety of problems that would arise during my two week stay at home before we left for tour. I didn't feel prepared at all, musically, economically, or mentally, but was ready to jump in anyway.

During my time in Philly I made a lot of friends, lost a lot of friends, and made a lot of friends and then quickly or slowly lost them. I value every friend I made out there, and regret the ones I lost. Although some friends I made are clearly closer than others, I still value each one for its contribution to my experience. In a way each holds a small but immeasurably important part of my memories.

The two weeks I had at home before tour were uncompromisingly insane. Before we left to play our first show, I felt some kind of tension with every member in the band (with the exception of Curly of course, the angel! [not to say he didn't have beef with me, haha]). I didn't feel confident in our music, and was having doubts about how the whole thing would pan out. Its a crazy thing to see what you've been dreaming for for years come true, in a modest but unmistakably real form. Thank goodness for our Che show. Our leaving home show was better than I could have ever imagined, and gave us hope that the tour would at least be pretty damn rocking.

The first 24 hours on the road were probably the most exciting and fun and funny and absurd and reassuring hours I've had all year. Everything went amazingly. The uncertainties of the road were in our favor, and I definitely felt the bonding of the rest of the band. These feelings faded in various degrees as time went on, but on most accounts, the tour was certainly a success. I was thrilled to be able to hang with Garrett after several months of low chillage, and especially thrilled at how friendships between everyone grew as time went on.

Theres not a lot to say about tour. It was the longest two months of my life, in the best way possible. Time doesn't fly when you're having fun. When every moment of the day is filled with friends and music, every moment is treasured, none slip away. I met so many good people, people that I can't wait to see again. I got to see so many different counties and cultures, theres simultaneously so much and so little going on in this country right now. We didn't meet a single two people alike, yet at the end of the day people are all the same. Stupid things you think about.

Coming home from tour brought the same anxieties as before. Not feeling comfortable in any living situation, trying to prepare for a lifestyle I hadn't experienced in over a year (school). The friends eventually left, and I buckled down into serious slow mode. The first months of Fall were a very welcomed change of pace. After two months of drinking or smoking everyday, I started doing nothing entirely. It felt good for a few reasons. One, I proved the control I have over myself, to use different things as I see fit, without becoming dependent. It was also nice to gain a cohesive consciousness, and be able to think about things from the same perspective every night. And of course, when you don't do something for a while, it makes it all the more better when you do it again.

September I spent adapting to the school lifestyle, figuring how to get here and there by public transportation, and finding my niche at State. I really don't like the atmosphere there, but at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and am willing to hold my nose and finish my degree. Around October I started working nights for American Apparel. This was an interesting way to end my year of new social interactions. For the first time, I had a job where I actually wanted to hang out with the people I work with. Everyone was really cool and interesting, and I was exposed to the welcomed possibility of new friendships. At first my experience was similar to Philly, and I was overwhelmed with working with mostly-somewhat attractive employees, but of course that feeling fades.

This fall was the first time that all my close friends are truly all gone away for school. I felt that I handled it well by reaching out to somewhat old friendships, and starting new ones. I'm slowly becoming re-immersed back in the San Diego music scene, and have my eyes set on the future. I value my close friends so much that its almost a burden when they return from school, wanting so badly to return things to the way they were. Clearly things change but I feel optimistic about how our friendships will blossom in the years to come. EJ will soon be back in San Diego for good, and he's bringing with him several (I hope) of my favorite Philadelphians.