Jeff Tuyay just indirectly reminded me that I have a blog that I never update. I've been staying with my Mom where I don't have a computer, so I'm going to blame that.
Dreams are really cool, so I figured I'd blog about them. I was telling Jeff some of my interesting dreams lately.
because78910: my friend had a dream last nite where alien/zombies were raping and killing everyone
projectcpyright: oh man thats nuts
because78910: yeah
because78910: and dreams could really feel heavy
because78910: have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?
projectcpyright: im not sure
projectcpyright: i may have, but not defeintely
projectcpyright: i have dreams sometimes when i know im dreaming but cant wake up
projectcpyright: or the worst, is when you cant open your eyes in the dream you know?
because78910: yeah
because78910: similar i think
because78910: have you ever controlled your dreams before?
projectcpyright: not entirely
projectcpyright: every time i become aware that im dreaming, i can sitll dream, but not in TOTAL control
projectcpyright: i just act without concequence
because78910: ah
projectcpyright: like i always start screaming crazy shit
because78910: hahaha
because78910: whenver i control my dreams
because78910: my brain just goes bananas
projectcpyright: hah what you mean
because78910: another time i took people out of my dream and added others in
because78910: and changed the location
projectcpyright: people always evolve in my dreams
projectcpyright: and places
projectcpyright: like the dream will involve two other characters
projectcpyright: but who those characters are is always changing, sometimes from like girl to guy or vice versa
projectcpyright: i find that INSANE
because78910: dang
because78910: that is wild
because78910: so you see them physically change infront of you?
projectcpyright: no not physically change
projectcpyright: ill just be remembering the dream
projectcpyright: and ill be like, damn i was definitely with garrett and ej, then later in the dream i was across the park and definitely with kimmy and brian
because78910: ah yeah
because78910: dreams are fascinating
projectcpyright: i know man ive had the best conversations about htem haha
projectcpyright: last night i had this dream
projectcpyright: all my teeth were falling out
projectcpyright: then i woke up in the dream, knowing that my teeth were gonna fall out again
projectcpyright: and they did
because78910: yeeesh
projectcpyright: haha k gotta tell you about this terrifying dream i had about a week ago
projectcpyright: i dont remember anything before, but i was on the beach with all my good friends
projectcpyright: and the beach was getting nuked
projectcpyright: like continously, but in a video game kind of way
projectcpyright: the bombs were hitting kind of far away, but we could feel the ripple and shock and shit
projectcpyright: then one nuke hit really close to us in the water, to the point where we were all like HOLY SHIT WERE FUCKED THATS WAY TOO CLOSE
projectcpyright: WERE DEIFNITELY FUCKING DEAD FROM THIS NUKE
projectcpyright: and this intense heat feeling came over me, and it was so overbearing that i felt like i was spinning
projectcpyright: just huddled up hoping to survive but knowing theres no possible way
because78910: wow
projectcpyright: but obviously we survived
projectcpyright: so we look at each other and were like, dude we gotta run now (obviously haha)
projectcpyright: so we start running
projectcpyright: and suddenly i realize that we're running from a nazi SS officer, and we are a bunch of jews in a concentration camp
projectcpyright: and i know that becuase were running, were gonna get shot, but i know im gonna die anyways
projectcpyright: im just expecting to die at any second from a gunshot, but an SS officer catches up to us and is about to give us mercy
projectcpyright: but i know were still going to die
projectcpyright: so i sucker punch him or some shit
projectcpyright: and in the confusion ej grabs the gun from him and shoots the fuck out of him
because78910: wow
projectcpyright: and even though hes been shot like 10 times hes looming towards me like a zombie
projectcpyright: just bleeding and shit but chasing after me and not dieing
projectcpyright: so i have to like kick him down
projectcpyright: IT WAS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
projectcpyright: then i woke up shortly after
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Senate Remarks by Robert C. Byrd
February 12, 2003
"We Stand Passively Mute"
To contemplate war is to think about the most horrible of human experiences. On this February day, as this nation stands at the brink of battle, every American on some level must be contemplating the horrors of war.
Yet, this Chamber is, for the most part, silent -- ominously, dreadfully silent. There is no debate, no discussion, no attempt to lay out for the nation the pros and cons of this particular war. There is nothing.
We stand passively mute in the United States Senate, paralyzed by our own uncertainty, seemingly stunned by the sheer turmoil of events. Only on the editorial pages of our newspapers is there much substantive discussion of the prudence or imprudence of engaging in this particular war.
And this is no small conflagration we contemplate. This is no simple attempt to defang a villain. No. This coming battle, if it materializes, represents a turning point in U.S. foreign policy and possibly a turning point in the recent history of the world.
This nation is about to embark upon the first test of a revolutionary doctrine applied in an extraordinary way at an unfortunate time. The doctrine of preemption -- the idea that the United States or any other nation can legitimately attack a nation that is not imminently threatening but may be threatening in the future -- is a radical new twist on the traditional idea of self defense. It appears to be in contravention of international law and the UN Charter. And it is being tested at a time of world-wide terrorism, making many countries around the globe wonder if they will soon be on our -- or some other nation's -- hit list. High level Administration figures recently refused to take nuclear weapons off of the table when discussing a possible attack against Iraq. What could be more destabilizing and unwise than this type of uncertainty, particularly in a world where globalism has tied the vital economic and security interests of many nations so closely together? There are huge cracks emerging in our time-honored alliances, and U.S. intentions are suddenly subject to damaging worldwide speculation. Anti-Americanism based on mistrust, misinformation, suspicion, and alarming rhetoric from U.S. leaders is fracturing the once solid alliance against global terrorism which existed after September 11.
Here at home, people are warned of imminent terrorist attacks with little guidance as to when or where such attacks might occur. Family members are being called to active military duty, with no idea of the duration of their stay or what horrors they may face. Communities are being left with less than adequate police and fire protection. Other essential services are also short-staffed. The mood of the nation is grim. The economy is stumbling. Fuel prices are rising and may soon spike higher.
This Administration, now in power for a little over two years, must be judged on its record. I believe that that record is dismal.
In that scant two years, this Administration has squandered a large projected surplus of some $5.6 trillion over the next decade and taken us to projected deficits as far as the eye can see. This Administration's domestic policy has put many of our states in dire financial condition, under funding scores of essential programs for our people. This Administration has fostered policies which have slowed economic growth. This Administration has ignored urgent matters such as the crisis in health care for our elderly. This Administration has been slow to provide adequate funding for homeland security. This Administration has been reluctant to better protect our long and porous borders.
In foreign policy, this Administration has failed to find Osama bin Laden. In fact, just yesterday we heard from him again marshaling his forces and urging them to kill. This Administration has split traditional alliances, possibly crippling, for all time, International order-keeping entities like the United Nations and NATO. This Administration has called into question the traditional worldwide perception of the United States as well-intentioned, peacekeeper. This Administration has turned the patient art of diplomacy into threats, labeling, and name calling of the sort that reflects quite poorly on the intelligence and sensitivity of our leaders, and which will have consequences for years to come.
Calling heads of state pygmies, labeling whole countries as evil, denigrating powerful European allies as irrelevant -- these types of crude insensitivities can do our great nation no good. We may have massive military might, but we cannot fight a global war on terrorism alone. We need the cooperation and friendship of our time-honored allies as well as the newer found friends whom we can attract with our wealth. Our awesome military machine will do us little good if we suffer another devastating attack on our homeland which severely damages our economy. Our military manpower is already stretched thin and we will need the augmenting support of those nations who can supply troop strength, not just sign letters cheering us on.
The war in Afghanistan has cost us $37 billion so far, yet there is evidence that terrorism may already be starting to regain its hold in that region. We have not found bin Laden, and unless we secure the peace in Afghanistan, the dark dens of terrorism may yet again flourish in that remote and devastated land.
Pakistan as well is at risk of destabilizing forces. This Administration has not finished the first war against terrorism and yet it is eager to embark on another conflict with perils much greater than those in Afghanistan. Is our attention span that short? Have we not learned that after winning the war one must always secure the peace?
And yet we hear little about the aftermath of war in Iraq. In the absence of plans, speculation abroad is rife. Will we seize Iraq's oil fields, becoming an occupying power which controls the price and supply of that nation's oil for the foreseeable future? To whom do we propose to hand the reins of power after Saddam Hussein?
Will our war inflame the Muslim world resulting in devastating attacks on Israel? Will Israel retaliate with its own nuclear arsenal? Will the Jordanian and Saudi Arabian governments be toppled by radicals, bolstered by Iran which has much closer ties to terrorism than Iraq?
Could a disruption of the world's oil supply lead to a world-wide recession? Has our senselessly bellicose language and our callous disregard of the interests and opinions of other nations increased the global race to join the nuclear club and made proliferation an even more lucrative practice for nations which need the income?
In only the space of two short years this reckless and arrogant Administration has initiated policies which may reap disastrous consequences for years.
One can understand the anger and shock of any President after the savage attacks of September 11. One can appreciate the frustration of having only a shadow to chase and an amorphous, fleeting enemy on which it is nearly impossible to exact retribution.
But to turn one's frustration and anger into the kind of extremely destabilizing and dangerous foreign policy debacle that the world is currently witnessing is inexcusable from any Administration charged with the awesome power and responsibility of guiding the destiny of the greatest superpower on the planet. Frankly many of the pronouncements made by this Administration are outrageous. There is no other word.
Yet this chamber is hauntingly silent. On what is possibly the eve of horrific infliction of death and destruction on the population of the nation of Iraq -- a population, I might add, of which over 50% is under age 15 -- this chamber is silent. On what is possibly only days before we send thousands of our own citizens to face unimagined horrors of chemical and biological warfare -- this chamber is silent. On the eve of what could possibly be a vicious terrorist attack in retaliation for our attack on Iraq, it is business as usual in the United States Senate.
We are truly "sleepwalking through history." In my heart of hearts I pray that this great nation and its good and trusting citizens are not in for a rudest of awakenings.
To engage in war is always to pick a wild card. And war must always be a last resort, not a first choice. I truly must question the judgment of any President who can say that a massive unprovoked military attack on a nation which is over 50% children is "in the highest moral traditions of our country". This war is not necessary at this time. Pressure appears to be having a good result in Iraq. Our mistake was to put ourselves in a corner so quickly. Our challenge is to now find a graceful way out of a box of our own making. Perhaps there is still a way if we allow more time.
"We Stand Passively Mute"
To contemplate war is to think about the most horrible of human experiences. On this February day, as this nation stands at the brink of battle, every American on some level must be contemplating the horrors of war.
Yet, this Chamber is, for the most part, silent -- ominously, dreadfully silent. There is no debate, no discussion, no attempt to lay out for the nation the pros and cons of this particular war. There is nothing.
We stand passively mute in the United States Senate, paralyzed by our own uncertainty, seemingly stunned by the sheer turmoil of events. Only on the editorial pages of our newspapers is there much substantive discussion of the prudence or imprudence of engaging in this particular war.
And this is no small conflagration we contemplate. This is no simple attempt to defang a villain. No. This coming battle, if it materializes, represents a turning point in U.S. foreign policy and possibly a turning point in the recent history of the world.
This nation is about to embark upon the first test of a revolutionary doctrine applied in an extraordinary way at an unfortunate time. The doctrine of preemption -- the idea that the United States or any other nation can legitimately attack a nation that is not imminently threatening but may be threatening in the future -- is a radical new twist on the traditional idea of self defense. It appears to be in contravention of international law and the UN Charter. And it is being tested at a time of world-wide terrorism, making many countries around the globe wonder if they will soon be on our -- or some other nation's -- hit list. High level Administration figures recently refused to take nuclear weapons off of the table when discussing a possible attack against Iraq. What could be more destabilizing and unwise than this type of uncertainty, particularly in a world where globalism has tied the vital economic and security interests of many nations so closely together? There are huge cracks emerging in our time-honored alliances, and U.S. intentions are suddenly subject to damaging worldwide speculation. Anti-Americanism based on mistrust, misinformation, suspicion, and alarming rhetoric from U.S. leaders is fracturing the once solid alliance against global terrorism which existed after September 11.
Here at home, people are warned of imminent terrorist attacks with little guidance as to when or where such attacks might occur. Family members are being called to active military duty, with no idea of the duration of their stay or what horrors they may face. Communities are being left with less than adequate police and fire protection. Other essential services are also short-staffed. The mood of the nation is grim. The economy is stumbling. Fuel prices are rising and may soon spike higher.
This Administration, now in power for a little over two years, must be judged on its record. I believe that that record is dismal.
In that scant two years, this Administration has squandered a large projected surplus of some $5.6 trillion over the next decade and taken us to projected deficits as far as the eye can see. This Administration's domestic policy has put many of our states in dire financial condition, under funding scores of essential programs for our people. This Administration has fostered policies which have slowed economic growth. This Administration has ignored urgent matters such as the crisis in health care for our elderly. This Administration has been slow to provide adequate funding for homeland security. This Administration has been reluctant to better protect our long and porous borders.
In foreign policy, this Administration has failed to find Osama bin Laden. In fact, just yesterday we heard from him again marshaling his forces and urging them to kill. This Administration has split traditional alliances, possibly crippling, for all time, International order-keeping entities like the United Nations and NATO. This Administration has called into question the traditional worldwide perception of the United States as well-intentioned, peacekeeper. This Administration has turned the patient art of diplomacy into threats, labeling, and name calling of the sort that reflects quite poorly on the intelligence and sensitivity of our leaders, and which will have consequences for years to come.
Calling heads of state pygmies, labeling whole countries as evil, denigrating powerful European allies as irrelevant -- these types of crude insensitivities can do our great nation no good. We may have massive military might, but we cannot fight a global war on terrorism alone. We need the cooperation and friendship of our time-honored allies as well as the newer found friends whom we can attract with our wealth. Our awesome military machine will do us little good if we suffer another devastating attack on our homeland which severely damages our economy. Our military manpower is already stretched thin and we will need the augmenting support of those nations who can supply troop strength, not just sign letters cheering us on.
The war in Afghanistan has cost us $37 billion so far, yet there is evidence that terrorism may already be starting to regain its hold in that region. We have not found bin Laden, and unless we secure the peace in Afghanistan, the dark dens of terrorism may yet again flourish in that remote and devastated land.
Pakistan as well is at risk of destabilizing forces. This Administration has not finished the first war against terrorism and yet it is eager to embark on another conflict with perils much greater than those in Afghanistan. Is our attention span that short? Have we not learned that after winning the war one must always secure the peace?
And yet we hear little about the aftermath of war in Iraq. In the absence of plans, speculation abroad is rife. Will we seize Iraq's oil fields, becoming an occupying power which controls the price and supply of that nation's oil for the foreseeable future? To whom do we propose to hand the reins of power after Saddam Hussein?
Will our war inflame the Muslim world resulting in devastating attacks on Israel? Will Israel retaliate with its own nuclear arsenal? Will the Jordanian and Saudi Arabian governments be toppled by radicals, bolstered by Iran which has much closer ties to terrorism than Iraq?
Could a disruption of the world's oil supply lead to a world-wide recession? Has our senselessly bellicose language and our callous disregard of the interests and opinions of other nations increased the global race to join the nuclear club and made proliferation an even more lucrative practice for nations which need the income?
In only the space of two short years this reckless and arrogant Administration has initiated policies which may reap disastrous consequences for years.
One can understand the anger and shock of any President after the savage attacks of September 11. One can appreciate the frustration of having only a shadow to chase and an amorphous, fleeting enemy on which it is nearly impossible to exact retribution.
But to turn one's frustration and anger into the kind of extremely destabilizing and dangerous foreign policy debacle that the world is currently witnessing is inexcusable from any Administration charged with the awesome power and responsibility of guiding the destiny of the greatest superpower on the planet. Frankly many of the pronouncements made by this Administration are outrageous. There is no other word.
Yet this chamber is hauntingly silent. On what is possibly the eve of horrific infliction of death and destruction on the population of the nation of Iraq -- a population, I might add, of which over 50% is under age 15 -- this chamber is silent. On what is possibly only days before we send thousands of our own citizens to face unimagined horrors of chemical and biological warfare -- this chamber is silent. On the eve of what could possibly be a vicious terrorist attack in retaliation for our attack on Iraq, it is business as usual in the United States Senate.
We are truly "sleepwalking through history." In my heart of hearts I pray that this great nation and its good and trusting citizens are not in for a rudest of awakenings.
To engage in war is always to pick a wild card. And war must always be a last resort, not a first choice. I truly must question the judgment of any President who can say that a massive unprovoked military attack on a nation which is over 50% children is "in the highest moral traditions of our country". This war is not necessary at this time. Pressure appears to be having a good result in Iraq. Our mistake was to put ourselves in a corner so quickly. Our challenge is to now find a graceful way out of a box of our own making. Perhaps there is still a way if we allow more time.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Nature's Kid - SLEEPWALKING
If you didn't know already, sometimes I record music and release it myself under the name, Nature's Kid. The sound isn't exactly consistent, but its mostly instrumental, ambient, spacey, experimental type stuff thats a 180 from Da Bears. I've released a few albums in the past, and just finished a new EP, entitled SLEEPWALKING.
Some of the songs were started before I left for Philly, but the majority was done while I was out there and when I got back. Check it out if you'd like.
EP in a .zip file:
http://www.dabearsrock.com/abcdefg/natureskid-sleepwalking.zip
Nature's Kid myspace
Some of the songs were started before I left for Philly, but the majority was done while I was out there and when I got back. Check it out if you'd like.
EP in a .zip file:
http://www.dabearsrock.com/abcdefg/natureskid-sleepwalking.zip
Nature's Kid myspace
Saturday, January 19, 2008
SDSU's Glass Ceiling
There is a 2 year glass ceiling at San Diego State.
Those who enter as Freshman
Too stupid for UCSD
Too rich for Community College
Looking to party
Drop out within 2 years to start a family
or pick up more hours at Dad's auto shop
Then enter the transfer students
Done with Community College
Too poor for UCSD
Coming after 2 years
to grudgingly finish their degree
Natural segregation at it's finest.
Those who enter as Freshman
Too stupid for UCSD
Too rich for Community College
Looking to party
Drop out within 2 years to start a family
or pick up more hours at Dad's auto shop
Then enter the transfer students
Done with Community College
Too poor for UCSD
Coming after 2 years
to grudgingly finish their degree
Natural segregation at it's finest.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
2007
I got high the other night and felt the urge to start writing about this past year. I sat down at the keyboard, and about an hour and a half later I found myself with this beast. I haven't read it since then, but it's basically a summary of myself in the last year. Be prepared for a long and probably tiresome read.
--
2007 is probably the first year of my life that felt in itself like a full year. Most years or time periods in my life start at different points in the year, such as the beginning of school, or the start of a summer. 2007 began with a huge change in my life, moving away from home (to the other side of the country [where the winters are cold]). Because this insane change happened at the very beginning of the year, I feel like I have a better idea of where this complete year started, and obviously where it ended.
Moving to Philly was a feat so enormous for me, that it hasn't even been fully enough time for me to see it in perspective. The absolute biggest change was being financially independent. The way the value of a dollar changes you effects your entire outlook on everything. I wasn't even close to being properly prepared, and the constant worrying about money had an impact on every thought and emotion. Not that it was entirely bad, often the new value that my money had was a positive feeling.
Philly also threw me into an entirely new and exciting social atmosphere. Previously I had realized that my I reached my peek social personality in 11th grade of high school, and had been in a state of introversion ever since. It became hard for me to meet people, and sometimes even interact with the people I already knew. It's easy to blame yourself for changes like this, but I'm sure its part of my environment. Not going to a four year college really stunted the growth of my personality, and the social climates I was experiencing were dull, irrelevant, and slightly intimidating to me. I finally got the change I wanted by moving to Philly. I was suddenly in an environment of lots of new people who knew nothing about me, but were inclined to seek my friendship. I'll never forget the overwhelming feeling of new friendship, and craving these new social interactions. It was intoxicating, but didn't last for very long. I got a taste of what I was missing and took the new experiences with the old ideologies. The feeling of control over what I want and being happy with it.
But that sounds like less of a generalization than it should. The main way of dividing the time periods I spent in Philly are by crushes. So begins the first part of my stay, from early January, to about mid March, in which I had a crush on every girl. Literally, every girl I came in contact with, I wanted everything with. Such a broad scope is clearly a terrible idea, but to me the thrill was worth not narrowing my options. Not much was achieved, because of my adherence to the goal, but it was still an interesting time. I learned a lot about my self and how I would handle such new situations.
Just about the time that I started to get over the girls I already knew, I met the perfect girl to replace them. In early March I started working a second job at a local cafe. On Mondays and Fridays I worked with a girl who I fell for almost immediately. She was three years older than me, but only showed it in her subtle aura of maturity. She looked and acted young, and got me in all the places that other girls had failed. Most importantly, I met her independently, so any development of our relationship would be extremely personal, and not through the mutualness of a friend. She was cute and short, towards the upper-part of my attractiveness threshold, and a totally sweetheart. There was good and steady progress through most of the month, we started to hang and I met some of her friends. Things first started to go downhill when I felt for San Diego for a week in early April. As soon as I got back she went on a vacation, and it was a good two weeks of not being able to hang. After that, it was only another week before we both got laid off, and pretty much never saw each other.
At this point I rediscovered about myself how quickly I become attached to people. I can honestly say I felt more about this girl than I had about any other in a good two years or so. The newness and independence of the situation made it good, tasting new elements of life. I got the feeling that future relationships might not always blossom from mutual friendships, an new and exciting idea to me. I was also glad that I was finally not compromising, and staying true to my desire for someone with a compatible personality, and not just settling for attractiveness.
I went into that situation with a real carpe diem attitude. I realized that this girl was probably out of my league, but win or lose, no regrets. I stuck to that a while after we stopped talking, but heartache eventually sank in. The worst part was thinking of the good moments, and wondering how things went wrong. As if they could have gone right.
The third phase was around late April, towards the end of my stay. After my unsuccessful aggressions, I figured it was best to stay in a more passive mood. The last one in a way brought herself to me. I met the last girl I was interested in at a party, and it was exciting to see the familiar signs of mutual wanting, rather than having to guess at the obvious. I was interested in this girl previously, but as always you no longer want what you can have. We had a somewhat awkward push-and-pull relationship until I left, partially because of ourselves, and partially because of external forces. Its interesting to think about how things could have turned out if I'd stayed, I generally have a tendency to inversely self-bias.
A huge positive in the move to Philly was the way it shook up my life. I learned that change is good for me, and unfortunately I didn't come across much once I settled in. Six months later and I finally realize I never took the time to decorate my walls with the posters and flag I brought. My weeks became more and more routine, more rinse and repeat, the longer I stayed. The early days I would spend hanging out until weird hours, doing anything to get out of the house. Slowly I started to become routinized, repeating the same days over and over: work, sleep, practice, computer.
My favorite days were the most sporadic. I would approach each dreadful week towards the end with the same lofty goal: do something out of the ordinary. I never did. Each day off would be spent sleeping in, and writing off the day as being too late to accomplish anything. Towards the end Kelly began to drag me out of the house for bi-weekly hangouts in Rittenhouse. After one of these hang outs, I figured I could go home and play Warcraft for three hours until it was time to eat again, or I could do something sporadic. I then decided it would be a good idea to just ride, until I didn't feel like riding anymore. I took Walnut street to the 30th street bridge, and rode north along the Schuylkill river up until Manayunk. It was extremely impulsive but also extremely enjoyable. I listened to Midnite Vultures and thought about a lot of shit. And most importantly got to see a side of the area I never would have seen otherwise. To me it represents the control over the time I had there, and how I could have explored more if I had wanted to. It also reminds me that I wish I explored more in general, there was something that felt good about going somewhere besides where I spend 95% of my time.
By the end of my stay in Philly (early June), I was dieing to go home. I definitely was homesick. Homesick for family, homesick for weather, homesick for friends, homesick for lifestyle. I also had a toothache that made my last few weeks in Philly a nightmare. I stopped sleeping any earlier than six A.M., because of the pain, and my addiction to music and the web. Besides that, I had the anxiety of problems that would arise during my two week stay at home before we left for tour. I didn't feel prepared at all, musically, economically, or mentally, but was ready to jump in anyway.
During my time in Philly I made a lot of friends, lost a lot of friends, and made a lot of friends and then quickly or slowly lost them. I value every friend I made out there, and regret the ones I lost. Although some friends I made are clearly closer than others, I still value each one for its contribution to my experience. In a way each holds a small but immeasurably important part of my memories.
The two weeks I had at home before tour were uncompromisingly insane. Before we left to play our first show, I felt some kind of tension with every member in the band (with the exception of Curly of course, the angel! [not to say he didn't have beef with me, haha]). I didn't feel confident in our music, and was having doubts about how the whole thing would pan out. Its a crazy thing to see what you've been dreaming for for years come true, in a modest but unmistakably real form. Thank goodness for our Che show. Our leaving home show was better than I could have ever imagined, and gave us hope that the tour would at least be pretty damn rocking.
The first 24 hours on the road were probably the most exciting and fun and funny and absurd and reassuring hours I've had all year. Everything went amazingly. The uncertainties of the road were in our favor, and I definitely felt the bonding of the rest of the band. These feelings faded in various degrees as time went on, but on most accounts, the tour was certainly a success. I was thrilled to be able to hang with Garrett after several months of low chillage, and especially thrilled at how friendships between everyone grew as time went on.
Theres not a lot to say about tour. It was the longest two months of my life, in the best way possible. Time doesn't fly when you're having fun. When every moment of the day is filled with friends and music, every moment is treasured, none slip away. I met so many good people, people that I can't wait to see again. I got to see so many different counties and cultures, theres simultaneously so much and so little going on in this country right now. We didn't meet a single two people alike, yet at the end of the day people are all the same. Stupid things you think about.
Coming home from tour brought the same anxieties as before. Not feeling comfortable in any living situation, trying to prepare for a lifestyle I hadn't experienced in over a year (school). The friends eventually left, and I buckled down into serious slow mode. The first months of Fall were a very welcomed change of pace. After two months of drinking or smoking everyday, I started doing nothing entirely. It felt good for a few reasons. One, I proved the control I have over myself, to use different things as I see fit, without becoming dependent. It was also nice to gain a cohesive consciousness, and be able to think about things from the same perspective every night. And of course, when you don't do something for a while, it makes it all the more better when you do it again.
September I spent adapting to the school lifestyle, figuring how to get here and there by public transportation, and finding my niche at State. I really don't like the atmosphere there, but at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and am willing to hold my nose and finish my degree. Around October I started working nights for American Apparel. This was an interesting way to end my year of new social interactions. For the first time, I had a job where I actually wanted to hang out with the people I work with. Everyone was really cool and interesting, and I was exposed to the welcomed possibility of new friendships. At first my experience was similar to Philly, and I was overwhelmed with working with mostly-somewhat attractive employees, but of course that feeling fades.
This fall was the first time that all my close friends are truly all gone away for school. I felt that I handled it well by reaching out to somewhat old friendships, and starting new ones. I'm slowly becoming re-immersed back in the San Diego music scene, and have my eyes set on the future. I value my close friends so much that its almost a burden when they return from school, wanting so badly to return things to the way they were. Clearly things change but I feel optimistic about how our friendships will blossom in the years to come. EJ will soon be back in San Diego for good, and he's bringing with him several (I hope) of my favorite Philadelphians.
--
2007 is probably the first year of my life that felt in itself like a full year. Most years or time periods in my life start at different points in the year, such as the beginning of school, or the start of a summer. 2007 began with a huge change in my life, moving away from home (to the other side of the country [where the winters are cold]). Because this insane change happened at the very beginning of the year, I feel like I have a better idea of where this complete year started, and obviously where it ended.
Moving to Philly was a feat so enormous for me, that it hasn't even been fully enough time for me to see it in perspective. The absolute biggest change was being financially independent. The way the value of a dollar changes you effects your entire outlook on everything. I wasn't even close to being properly prepared, and the constant worrying about money had an impact on every thought and emotion. Not that it was entirely bad, often the new value that my money had was a positive feeling.
Philly also threw me into an entirely new and exciting social atmosphere. Previously I had realized that my I reached my peek social personality in 11th grade of high school, and had been in a state of introversion ever since. It became hard for me to meet people, and sometimes even interact with the people I already knew. It's easy to blame yourself for changes like this, but I'm sure its part of my environment. Not going to a four year college really stunted the growth of my personality, and the social climates I was experiencing were dull, irrelevant, and slightly intimidating to me. I finally got the change I wanted by moving to Philly. I was suddenly in an environment of lots of new people who knew nothing about me, but were inclined to seek my friendship. I'll never forget the overwhelming feeling of new friendship, and craving these new social interactions. It was intoxicating, but didn't last for very long. I got a taste of what I was missing and took the new experiences with the old ideologies. The feeling of control over what I want and being happy with it.
But that sounds like less of a generalization than it should. The main way of dividing the time periods I spent in Philly are by crushes. So begins the first part of my stay, from early January, to about mid March, in which I had a crush on every girl. Literally, every girl I came in contact with, I wanted everything with. Such a broad scope is clearly a terrible idea, but to me the thrill was worth not narrowing my options. Not much was achieved, because of my adherence to the goal, but it was still an interesting time. I learned a lot about my self and how I would handle such new situations.
Just about the time that I started to get over the girls I already knew, I met the perfect girl to replace them. In early March I started working a second job at a local cafe. On Mondays and Fridays I worked with a girl who I fell for almost immediately. She was three years older than me, but only showed it in her subtle aura of maturity. She looked and acted young, and got me in all the places that other girls had failed. Most importantly, I met her independently, so any development of our relationship would be extremely personal, and not through the mutualness of a friend. She was cute and short, towards the upper-part of my attractiveness threshold, and a totally sweetheart. There was good and steady progress through most of the month, we started to hang and I met some of her friends. Things first started to go downhill when I felt for San Diego for a week in early April. As soon as I got back she went on a vacation, and it was a good two weeks of not being able to hang. After that, it was only another week before we both got laid off, and pretty much never saw each other.
At this point I rediscovered about myself how quickly I become attached to people. I can honestly say I felt more about this girl than I had about any other in a good two years or so. The newness and independence of the situation made it good, tasting new elements of life. I got the feeling that future relationships might not always blossom from mutual friendships, an new and exciting idea to me. I was also glad that I was finally not compromising, and staying true to my desire for someone with a compatible personality, and not just settling for attractiveness.
I went into that situation with a real carpe diem attitude. I realized that this girl was probably out of my league, but win or lose, no regrets. I stuck to that a while after we stopped talking, but heartache eventually sank in. The worst part was thinking of the good moments, and wondering how things went wrong. As if they could have gone right.
The third phase was around late April, towards the end of my stay. After my unsuccessful aggressions, I figured it was best to stay in a more passive mood. The last one in a way brought herself to me. I met the last girl I was interested in at a party, and it was exciting to see the familiar signs of mutual wanting, rather than having to guess at the obvious. I was interested in this girl previously, but as always you no longer want what you can have. We had a somewhat awkward push-and-pull relationship until I left, partially because of ourselves, and partially because of external forces. Its interesting to think about how things could have turned out if I'd stayed, I generally have a tendency to inversely self-bias.
A huge positive in the move to Philly was the way it shook up my life. I learned that change is good for me, and unfortunately I didn't come across much once I settled in. Six months later and I finally realize I never took the time to decorate my walls with the posters and flag I brought. My weeks became more and more routine, more rinse and repeat, the longer I stayed. The early days I would spend hanging out until weird hours, doing anything to get out of the house. Slowly I started to become routinized, repeating the same days over and over: work, sleep, practice, computer.
My favorite days were the most sporadic. I would approach each dreadful week towards the end with the same lofty goal: do something out of the ordinary. I never did. Each day off would be spent sleeping in, and writing off the day as being too late to accomplish anything. Towards the end Kelly began to drag me out of the house for bi-weekly hangouts in Rittenhouse. After one of these hang outs, I figured I could go home and play Warcraft for three hours until it was time to eat again, or I could do something sporadic. I then decided it would be a good idea to just ride, until I didn't feel like riding anymore. I took Walnut street to the 30th street bridge, and rode north along the Schuylkill river up until Manayunk. It was extremely impulsive but also extremely enjoyable. I listened to Midnite Vultures and thought about a lot of shit. And most importantly got to see a side of the area I never would have seen otherwise. To me it represents the control over the time I had there, and how I could have explored more if I had wanted to. It also reminds me that I wish I explored more in general, there was something that felt good about going somewhere besides where I spend 95% of my time.
By the end of my stay in Philly (early June), I was dieing to go home. I definitely was homesick. Homesick for family, homesick for weather, homesick for friends, homesick for lifestyle. I also had a toothache that made my last few weeks in Philly a nightmare. I stopped sleeping any earlier than six A.M., because of the pain, and my addiction to music and the web. Besides that, I had the anxiety of problems that would arise during my two week stay at home before we left for tour. I didn't feel prepared at all, musically, economically, or mentally, but was ready to jump in anyway.
During my time in Philly I made a lot of friends, lost a lot of friends, and made a lot of friends and then quickly or slowly lost them. I value every friend I made out there, and regret the ones I lost. Although some friends I made are clearly closer than others, I still value each one for its contribution to my experience. In a way each holds a small but immeasurably important part of my memories.
The two weeks I had at home before tour were uncompromisingly insane. Before we left to play our first show, I felt some kind of tension with every member in the band (with the exception of Curly of course, the angel! [not to say he didn't have beef with me, haha]). I didn't feel confident in our music, and was having doubts about how the whole thing would pan out. Its a crazy thing to see what you've been dreaming for for years come true, in a modest but unmistakably real form. Thank goodness for our Che show. Our leaving home show was better than I could have ever imagined, and gave us hope that the tour would at least be pretty damn rocking.
The first 24 hours on the road were probably the most exciting and fun and funny and absurd and reassuring hours I've had all year. Everything went amazingly. The uncertainties of the road were in our favor, and I definitely felt the bonding of the rest of the band. These feelings faded in various degrees as time went on, but on most accounts, the tour was certainly a success. I was thrilled to be able to hang with Garrett after several months of low chillage, and especially thrilled at how friendships between everyone grew as time went on.
Theres not a lot to say about tour. It was the longest two months of my life, in the best way possible. Time doesn't fly when you're having fun. When every moment of the day is filled with friends and music, every moment is treasured, none slip away. I met so many good people, people that I can't wait to see again. I got to see so many different counties and cultures, theres simultaneously so much and so little going on in this country right now. We didn't meet a single two people alike, yet at the end of the day people are all the same. Stupid things you think about.
Coming home from tour brought the same anxieties as before. Not feeling comfortable in any living situation, trying to prepare for a lifestyle I hadn't experienced in over a year (school). The friends eventually left, and I buckled down into serious slow mode. The first months of Fall were a very welcomed change of pace. After two months of drinking or smoking everyday, I started doing nothing entirely. It felt good for a few reasons. One, I proved the control I have over myself, to use different things as I see fit, without becoming dependent. It was also nice to gain a cohesive consciousness, and be able to think about things from the same perspective every night. And of course, when you don't do something for a while, it makes it all the more better when you do it again.
September I spent adapting to the school lifestyle, figuring how to get here and there by public transportation, and finding my niche at State. I really don't like the atmosphere there, but at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and am willing to hold my nose and finish my degree. Around October I started working nights for American Apparel. This was an interesting way to end my year of new social interactions. For the first time, I had a job where I actually wanted to hang out with the people I work with. Everyone was really cool and interesting, and I was exposed to the welcomed possibility of new friendships. At first my experience was similar to Philly, and I was overwhelmed with working with mostly-somewhat attractive employees, but of course that feeling fades.
This fall was the first time that all my close friends are truly all gone away for school. I felt that I handled it well by reaching out to somewhat old friendships, and starting new ones. I'm slowly becoming re-immersed back in the San Diego music scene, and have my eyes set on the future. I value my close friends so much that its almost a burden when they return from school, wanting so badly to return things to the way they were. Clearly things change but I feel optimistic about how our friendships will blossom in the years to come. EJ will soon be back in San Diego for good, and he's bringing with him several (I hope) of my favorite Philadelphians.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
